Senatorial V-Chip War
By Tim Egan
The always-present self-inflating conversations that coexist with a session of the United States Congress were mysteriously vacant during the 16th session of the 104th Congress. This was the apex of discussion by the Congress' Subcommittee of Television Regulation, regarding a topic that rattled politician's back teeth and sent the media ablaze.
The usually electric surroundings of the historic House of Representatives, where hand pumping and back slapping are the norm, lay calm as the major opponent and proponent jockeyed for position on the final arguments of whether or not to pass the "V- chip" Bill. This legislation, heavily endorsed by the President of the United States, would introduce a law forcing television manufacturers to install a computer chip in a TV set, so parents can control programs their children watch.
The preliminary arguments that erupted in the Subcommittee made the final presentation an anticipated ballyhoo. On one end of the spectrum was Congressman James "Jimmy the Kid" Brogan, who ironically was elected in 1986, the year authorized television coverage of Congress began on C-SPAN.
The irony lies in the fact that twenty years earlier, "Jimmy the Kid," was a popular character the honorable Mr. Brogan played on a Television sitcom.
Congressman Brogan was a handsome man with well-defined facial features and a fabulous public speaking demeanor that was witty, when well scripted. Congressman Brogan was also a snooty Republican from the aesthetically and medically enhanced State of California.
On the other side of Congress writhed a wily veteran of political life, Robert Charles Blackstone.
There are two ways to become a veteran of Congress; buy your way to election or actually take your hands from under your buttocks and make a difference. Congressman Blackstone, or just plain "Blacky," was a grey-haired gentleman from the realistic State of Illinois who always seemed to make a difference. All he truly cared about was the people and not his image. In fact, he never even put his picture on anything to do with his campaign. He said he didn't want to scare away any votes.
The setting on this fine day, a place where richly polished leather seats and strong wooden desks give off an aroma of historic importance, would be an old-fashioned showdown between "Blacky" and the honorable Mr. Brogan. Blackstone pulled his glasses from his inside left suit coat pocket as if he were a gunfighter drawing his lethal weapon at high noon. And then the debate began...
"The chair recognizes the Senator from Illinois."
"I am quite a bit older than my esteemed colleague who is promoting this V-Chip bill," Blackstone began his speech.
"That's obvious to everyone here Congressman," Brogan drew fire with a wise cracking remark.
"It is also quite obvious that if this were a graduating class," said Blackstone pulling the trigger back, "my interrupting counterpart would rank 435th out of 435." Congressman Brogan fell back into his chair as if he was mortally wounded and Blackstone continued. "I am a firm believer that there are people in America who should never have access to a TV and an electrical outlet at the same time. During what I will call research but was actually a useless cure for a case of temporary insomnia, I dashed through cable television, station after station.
"On one of these direct poison to people mediums I came across was a call-in talk show, a yokel's paradise. This is an outlet for anyone who can afford both cable and a phone line. An inexpensive psychoanalysis session for the sequestered numbskull."
Congressman Blackstone had scratched out the segment in his notes that ended the last statement with: 'at home in the trailer park,' just so he would not offend the majority of those who voted for James Brogan. As Brogan sensed a break in the elder congressman's speech he lumbered his way back to the microphone from his ill-timed verbal hiatus but was swiftly cut off before he could mutter any rhetoric.
"This particular circus act was hosted by a beautiful woman with perfect hair and sparkling eyes. The on-line caller's dilemma was that she was married and pregnant. Not so long ago, this was a grace of God and not a dilemma. In today's society however, the dilemma occurred because her husband was not the father of the fetus.
"The host, who had no initials before or after her name granting her any type of training in dispensing clinical advice, primped for the camera. In perfect frame, this television guidance counselor told the caller that she was in a "delicate stage" and should not tell the husband.
"What kind of asinine sense is this. What happened to paying the fiddler as you dance? I am unable to fathom the fact that this is available for the public and the public has capabilities to record this nonsense for future reference on a VCR."
Senator Brogan could sense favor was being lured into Blackstone's corner and reached for any type of comment to salvage his stand.
"I am quite sure that the VCR in your home congressman weighs about 146 pounds and always flashes 12:00."
"No, as a matter-of-fact Mr. Brogan," Blackstone quickly replied, "it does not. It does not because my 13-year-old grandson programmed the electrical gizmo for me, proving my point entirely. If we vote with you, Mr. Brogan, we will have approved an addition to television sets that can prevent adults from watching shows that may pollute their minds, but not children. This is a whiz kid's puzzle waiting to be solved. Keeping an eye on the children is a fabulous idea. But the V-chip is an Orwellian theory plopped down on kids. There is without a doubt a lot of junk on television, but adults watch most of it.
"We need to just say, NO!"
"NO, to prime-time soap operas!"
"NO, to the Real World. NO, 90201!"
"And for society's greater sake, NO, to Ricki Lake."
"Forget the damn V-chip. We need to make parents be parental. If anything, let's approve an I-chip, to regulate idiots watching television. We should concentrate on helping children turn off the TV and open a book."
The V-chip went to the floor of Congress for vote and lost in a landslide. Its departure made room for Senator Blackstone's bill on increasing funds for public libraries and a sub-committee on promoting reading for children.
Mr. Brogan retired from Congress after his first term in office and can be seen on cable channel 57 on an "Infomercial" selling time-share condominiums in Haiti.
This short story was written in 1996. What a different world we live in today.
